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Ep 12 | SPECIAL: Wisdom from a Grad Part 2, Courage with Ava Gidwani

 

We sit down with recent TCS graduate, Ava Gidwani. During her senior year, Ava has battled a chronic health condition that often causes her to experience pain, discomfort, and distraction yet, despite these difficult circumstances, she has remained faithful, hopeful and above all courageous. Courage is one of our core tenants at Trinity, and in this episode, Ava is going to tell us a little bit about what it means to have courage in the face of suffering and fear.  

 

Jesus is right there with you. He feels your pain. He sees the deepest part of your pain. Cling. Cling to him because he hasn't left you even when it feels like he's left you. Press into the truth because his Word never leaves void. And trust his character because God is who he says he is. 

     

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...the faith that God has called us to have is a childlike faith. It's a faith of dependence on the Lord. And I think that faith is what has shaped my prayer life because I am now so utterly dependent on the Lord. My body cannot provide for itself anymore.

Transcript

 

Disclaimer: This is a direct transcript of the podcast audio and may not be grammatically correct.

 

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Intro: 

Welcome to “Mind and Heart,” a podcast by Trinity Christian School in Fairfax, Virginia. In this space, we explore our calling to raise up the next generation to be salt and light in the world. 

Hello, and welcome to “Mind and Heart,” a podcast by Trinity Christian School. I’m your host, Jo Wilbur, and today, I'm sitting down with TCS graduating senior, Ava Gidwani. During her senior year, Ava has battled a chronic health condition that often causes her to experience pain, discomfort, and distraction yet, despite these difficult circumstances, she has remained faithful, hopeful, and above all, courageous. Courage is one of our core tenets at Trinity, and today, Ava is going to tell us a little bit about what it means to have courage in the face of suffering and fear. Ava, thank you so much for joining us today.  

Ava Gidwani:  

Thank you for having me.  

Jo Wilbur:  

Absolutely. So, for those who are listening who may not have the pleasure of knowing you personally, could you just start by sharing a little bit about yourself? Maybe how long you've been at Trinity and some things you're interested in? 

Ava Gidwani:  

Sure. So, I'm Ava. I'm going to be graduating in a few weeks. I've been at Trinity for two years, so I came last year. I'm part of volleyball. I've been playing volleyball here at Trinity for two years. I am part of NHS. I started FCA here at Trinity and yeah, I just like being here, being in classes, being with teachers, socializing. 

Jo Wilbur:  

I love that, the whole experience, and I did not know that you started FCA.  

Ava Gidwani:  

I did. Yeah.  

Jo Wilbur:  

Good for you. When did you start that?  

Ava Gidwani:  

The beginning of this year. 

Jo Wilbur:  

Wow. So that's a new club?  

Ava Gidwani:  

It is. Everyone should join FCA.  

Jo Wilbur:  

Shout out! I love that. Okay. So, can you tell us a little bit about what this past year has been like for you since it is your last year here, your senior year. 

Ava Gidwani:  

It's so bittersweet that it's coming to an end. I think that word is perfect to describe it because we got our yearbooks yesterday, and just looking back through the year, it feels like senior year just started. We just went on the Senior Retreat. We started that in the beginning of the year and that was really fun. Just thinking about this is our last year together. This is our last year of high school, and then realizing we're in our last week of high school, like we've made it to the end. So, it's bittersweet. There have been some really good memories: Prom, getting to be adopted by our classes... That was really special for me because we have our adopted classes and just being able to pour into younger kids' lives, but also having them pour into your life. And then also being able to have more freedoms, like going off campus for lunch, or, you know, just hanging out with teachers and friends. 

Jo Wilbur:  

Yeah, there are some privileges that come with senior year, right? So, you should enjoy them. Absolutely. Well, that's amazing. And with all, you know, these fun, positive things with your senior year, at the same time you've been battling some chronic health conditions. So, can you tell us a little bit about that experience and what exactly has been going on this past year? 

Ava Gidwani:  

Yeah, so up until about last year, so April of my junior year, I was fine. I was a healthy teenager. Everything was fine, and then just out of the blue of April, 2021, I started having a lot of chronic pain. Specifically, really bad stomach pain. Not just like stomach aches. I've always had stomach aches my whole life, but it got really bad to the point where I couldn't move and it would leave me doubled down and crippled. 

And it's especially worse every time I ate. So, eating became a problem. And then slowly like, everything I ate would just come back up. So, for a while there, it was really rough. Uh, and it still is. It hasn't gotten much better. In the summer, there was a time period where I rapidly lost a lot of weight that I couldn't keep any food down, just because my body was doing something that the doctors didn't know.  

So, I went to a lot of doctors. Didn't get a lot of answers. This past summer, so, summer going into my senior year, was a long journey of just dealing with these sudden health problems and doctor's appointments 24/7. So, it really wasn't what I imagined summer of my senior year to look like, but I was like, “Oh, it'll be fine. I'll be better by senior year,” not thinking it was that big of a deal. But it only got worse. Throughout the summer, it only got worse. Doctors still didn't really have many answers for why I faced such bad pain, and going into my senior year, I was no better than when this summer began. 

So, this past year has just been a lot of chronic pain. It's, like I said, pain that just cripples me. It keeps me from moving. I've learned how to deal with it. I've gotten better that like, I can go out, but there are times where it's just, it's so bad that I just am doubled down in pain. And so, 95 percent of my time I'm in pain. 

It comes in waves where it's worse than others. And then along with that, there have been symptoms of dizziness and lightheadedness, and just really fatigue and weakness because my body is just trying so hard to fight to survive. So, the way I explain it is my body is purely in survival mode and just fighting to survive. 

Jo Wilbur:  

Oh, my goodness. Well, that sounds so difficult, and that is such an understatement. I can't imagine having to deal with that kind of pain on a daily basis. In your experience, have there also been mental, emotional, spiritual challenges that have come with living in that state of chronic pain? 

Ava Gidwani:  

Oh, absolutely. I've faced harder spiritual and mental challenges with all this physical pain than I ever had before. I mean, it's so interesting because the Lord created us with a body, but also with a soul and with a spirit. And so when your body's weak and when your body's hurting, it's going to affect the other elements. 

And so, I don't know, just dealing with pain, you're in a state where it's… life is dark. Like for this past year, it's just felt like life is really, really dark. Um, and that affects you mentally. Pain blinds you mentally. And it's hard seeing all the things you've lost, seeing all the things that you could have done, but now you can't do. 

And then there are so many things this year I felt like I've lost because of pain. And so that affects you mentally, and that starts to affect you spiritually as well. Whereas the devil just gets in there and he starts speaking lies into your ear. And that's why it's so important to be grounded in the truth and remember who the Lord is, because that truth is the only thing that'll keep you going. 

Jo Wilbur:  

Wow, amen. Very well said. As someone who's dealing with, not only the physical ramifications of this illness, but also then the spiritual and mental and emotional side effects of that, and as you said, you know, still doing sports and going to Prom and doing all these things, you know, still living life in spite of all this pain, how do you find the courage to do that every day to come to school and deal with the problems and the issues that face not only all high schoolers, but then on top of that, also dealing with this chronic pain and fatigue. Where's that courage coming from? 

Ava Gidwani:  

I mean, I would say I don't have the courage, because I'll wake up in the morning and I will not want to get out of bed, but ultimately it is the Lord who strengthens me. And the only reason that I am able to make it through the day is because of the strength the Lord gives me. 

So, on my own, I'm weak and I'm afraid and I'm broken, but the beauty of the gospel and the beauty that I've learned in a whole fresh new way this year is, the Lord strengthens us. So, our weaknesses are a blessing because our weaknesses become strength because the Lord's power rests so powerfully on us that we are able to do all things. 

So, the reason I'm able to get up and come to school each day is because the Lord gives me the strength because on my own, my body is weak and it's failing and it's broken, and you can ask any one of my close friends, they know, like I just don't want to get out of bed in the mornings, or even like, I'll come to school and I'll break down in the office sometimes, just being like, “I can't do this anymore.” But every single day the Lord has provided for me and his mercies truly are new each morning. And that's the only way I can testify of it because I'm still here and I'm still here to testify that his strength is new each morning and his strength is enough. 

Jo Wilbur:  

Hmm, that’s beautiful. So, as a senior, you recently did your Senior Thesis. Was your topic at all related to your experiences or did it come into play at all or maybe not? 

Ava Gidwani:  

So, I went do nursing someday. So, my “Vocare” was focused on nursing. I want to do nursing because of everything I faced this year. I took anatomy last year, found it really interesting, and then being plunged firsthand into the medical field through being at doctors all the time and learning about my own health and all of that, I've just found it so fascinating, and the Lord's just placed a desire to help other people and be there for other people just as doctors were there for me or failed to be there for me. 

Jo Wilbur:  

Mm, that's really powerful. And seeing how, you know, you and the Lord really can take a situation that seems hopeless and is very painful and difficult, and as you express dark, feels like a dark place, and turn it into something that's useful. A way that you can serve and something that's beautiful. So, I think that speaks really powerfully to your character and also God's. 

So, we're talking a lot about courage, the subject of courage. We've thrown that word around now a few times. You know, I think it's easy to think of courage and just think of something like, “oh, it's just having confidence, you know, being able to be brave and, you know, be confident in yourself.” 

How would you define courage, and particularly biblically speaking, what do you think courage is really about? 

Ava Gidwani:  

I would say courage is a fruit of faith. I've learned a lot about faith this past year, and I would say faith is believing who God is and what he said even when the world around us tells us differently. 

And I think courage is acting on that. I think courage is choosing to believe God is who he says he is. And choosing to believe that God will do what he says he will do. And then taking the step of obedience and following him. For me, I was like, “God, why am I like this? Why am I suffering?” Lots of those questions, lots of “why” questions, lots of “Where are you?” questions. 

And the Lord just really showed me that maybe this is the time he's using me. And I was like, “God, why can't you be using me in a powerful way? Why can't I be healthier so I can do this or that.” And I think he was like, “Your act of obedience is going to be getting up each morning. Your act of obedience is going to school each day. Your act of obedience is being courageous and doing what I've told you to do: following me and trusting I am who I say I am even when it doesn't feel like that.  

Jo Wilbur:  

Yes, his power is made perfect in our weakness. And you're such a testament to that. I love what you said. It's almost like courage equals trust plus obedience, right? 

Trusting that the Lord is who he says he is, that he's going to do what he said he's going to do. And then being obedient to that and walking in faith. That's really, um, that's really beautiful and profound. How has your prayer life changed through all of this challenge? Or has it? 

Ava Gidwani:  

Oh, it a hundred percent has. You know, I feel like my faith was pretty strong before this. I prayed, read my Bible. My faith was pretty strong and this definitely tested it. It definitely still does test my faith, but it has taught me the reality that we are so dependent on the Lord. You know, I think we often have, or at least I have, the temptation to think that I'm higher than I really am, that I am independent, that I can do all these things, especially like growing up as a teenager. Like you get all these freedoms. I can finally drive. I can finally go out of the house. I can do what I want. Like going off to college. 

My parents, aren't going to be regulating what I do. Like I have this freedom, I have this independence. But Faith… the faith that God has called us to have is a childlike faith. It's a faith of dependence on the Lord. And I think that faith is what has shaped my prayer life because I am now so utterly dependent on the Lord. My body cannot provide for itself anymore. 

My body is just fighting to survive. My body can barely get up in the morning. And so when you feel the weakness of your body, the own brokenness, like I'm tangibly feeling how weak I am, it leads me to this dependence on the Lord where I'm at a place where I'm like, “Lord, I can't do anything apart from you, Lord, I need you to sustain me because without you, I can't keep going.” And I mean, I have pages written in notebooks of where I'm like, “Lord, I got nothing, but you right now, I can't do anything, but you're the only thing I have left. Everything else has fallen apart and all I have is you, so please, like, show me you are enough and show me you are all I need and make me love you more. 

Jo Wilbur:  

Mm. Well, everything you're saying reminds me of the Psalms, right? It's like a, a modern version of what we read in Psalms. So often the Psalmist is crying out to the Lord, “There's nothing left in me. I need you.” And speaking of which, has there been a particular Bible verse that you've clung to throughout all of this, or that's really resonated with you? 

Ava Gidwani:  

There have been so many, honestly, depending on the season, depending on how I feel. There are so many that just come to mind, but one that's just been a common theme, and we've talked about it a few times now, but is 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, where God says to Paul, “My grace is sufficient for you,” when Paul is pleading for this thorn to be taken out of him. 

And God's response is “No, my grace is sufficient for you,” just because that's where I found myself a lot, where I've been pleading for the Lord for healing. I have pages of prayers written for healing, and I'm sitting here still not healed, which means that the Lord has something better because he is a kind father and he isn't someone who's just looking down and saying, “Well, figure it out on yourself.” 

He is sitting and weeping with me. He is in the pain with me, but the thorn is still in my flesh because God has something better because he wouldn't withhold something good that I was asking for unless he had something better. And I love the beauty of 2 Corinthians 12 because it talks about how God's grace is sufficient. God tells Paul that his grace is sufficient. And so instead of giving Paul healing or deliverance from the thorn, which Paul wanted, God gives Paul himself. And instead of physical healing, he gives soul satisfying, eternal satisfaction. And that to me is so beautiful and something I'm still learning to believe, learning to trust, learning, to grow in, that God is enough for me, that his grace is sufficient for me. I've seen it this past year, but still every day I'll be like, “No Lord, I want more honestly, like, I'm like, I want more, but it's the Lord constantly reminding “No, my grace is sufficient for you. And my power is made perfect in your weakness.” And so, like Paul, now I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses for when I'm weak than I'm strong. 

Jo Wilbur:  

It is so encouraging to hear such a young person like yourself speaking with so much wisdom, so much biblical and scriptural wisdom and truth. I don't feel like I'm talking to an 18-year-old. I feel like I'm talking to someone older and wiser than me who's teaching me about life. So, I don't know. As you're speaking, I'm wondering, where did this come from? 

Is it really your parents? Is it, do you have mentors and teachers here who have really… you just have such a strong faith and I'm wondering, I don't know, to what do you accredit that? Where does that come from? Where have you learned all this? 

Ava Gidwani:  

So, when you say that, the verse that comes to mind is when Paul says, “It is by grace, I am what I am,” and that's truly like, I am what I am because of the grace of God. 

My faith is where it is because of the grace of God. My faith could have fallen in the middle of this trial. But the Lord has clung to me. He's held me when I've let go because there are many times where I've run from him in this, and he has chased after me and he has pursued me. So, ultimately, it is the grace of God, but I mean, I have a wonderful family, um, parents who taught me about the faith, I've wonderful teachers and mentors here who just this year have continually poured into my life, who have continually reminded me of truth, who have continually brought my faith to be stronger and helped me keep going when I've wanted to give up, and when I couldn't see the truth, and when all I could see was darkness. They brought me back to the truth and reminded me who God is. 

Jo Wilbur:  

That’s so powerful, and it speaks to the power and role that community plays in our faith. And especially when we're walking through challenge. Can you tell me a little bit more about how this past year you've seen your community really step in for you and lift you up in more specific examples? 

Ava Gidwani:  

One of the most tangible ways I see that is honestly through Trinity, through the way the admin and teachers here have come beside me and helped me get through this year. 

When the school year started, I remember thinking there's no way I can make it through senior. There's no way I'm going to be able to make it through school. I can't make it through the summer when I'm not doing anything. I spend the summer laying on my floor in pain. How am I going to make it through school? 

And the way that this community has come beside me is truly one of the most tangible pictures of the hands and feet of Christ. Ultimately, we go to Christ for comfort, but he provides for us so often through his hands and feet, which are the church and which this community is such a representation of. 

So, man, the way admin, the Upper School Office has just made accommodations for school. When schoolwork just, I couldn't get it done because of pain, because of appointments, because of, you know, all the struggles that come with health, has been awesome. But then also even like during the school day, when things got too tough, when the pain got too bad, just they were always there. Um, they still are always there. Just their office door is open for me to come crash. Mrs. Byre’s office became one of my favorite places, her couch specifically um, but then also just all of them, just so tangibly put their arms around me and helped me keep going when I couldn't keep going and helped in some very practical ways to make this school year easier for me. 

Jo Wilbur:  

Mm, it's really incredible to hear, and it's such a good example for how Christians should be supporting and helping people who are suffering. Are there ways that when you look around and you see the church and you think of all the people who suffer in silence, what advice can you give fellow believers for how we can be there for those who are walking through difficult things, especially something like a physical illness. 

Ava Gidwani:  

I think one of the biggest things is just to be there for them. So often people try to either like, come in and fix everything or say “It's all going to be okay.” And that's true. At the end of the day, at the end of the day, the Lord has won, that Jesus has won the battle and we have this hope that one day, all things will be made right. So yes, everything one day will be okay, but it doesn't mean things are okay now. And so, when life is just really dark, when it feels like Satan has won, when it feels like darkness is consuming, the thing I found most helpful is to have people there for me who will remind me of the truth or who will just sit in the suffering with me. 

We see that in Job, where Job's friends just sat there for a week with him. They didn't say anything. They saw how great his suffering was and they just sat there. So, the way I would encourage other people is just be there for other people. Listen. One of the greatest gifts you can give is to listen to other people, to check in on them, to pray for them. 

The way the Lord has, even during this time for me, put other people on my heart to reach out to, and the way that the response I've gotten was, “That's just what I needed right now.” It's the Lord, really just speaking in soft ways to our hearts for the good of others and ultimately for his glory. 

Jo Wilbur: 

Well, that's such wonderful advice because I think there is a temptation as Christians, when we see someone suffering to just immediately try and cheer them up and try to say, “It's going be okay.” 

And even though on some level, as you say, that's true, it can sound very trite to someone who is wrestling in the dark night of the soul, going through struggles that the other person can't even imagine. And you know, scripture doesn't say, “Cheer up those who mourn,” it says “Mourn with those who mourn.” 

So just to be there with them to be sympathetic and empathetic and to be able to enter into that dark place with them. And what a picture of Christ that is. That's excellent advice. So, as you look to your next chapter… you're a graduating senior. Congratulations, by the way. What are your plans for next year, and how are you sustaining your courage as you leave this community that you've built here and go off on your own to something new? Where is that courage coming from? 

Ava Gidwani:  

So, next year I am going to Belmont University in Nashville to study nursing. I'm really excited about it, but I'm also afraid about it. There are a lot of worries. There are a lot of anxieties that come with thinking that I'm still going to be dealing with this in college, and I'm going to be on my own, away from home, away from this community. 

But the thing that gives me hope is remembering what the Lord has done for me and looking even past at this past year and seeing how he has sustained me perfectly through this whole year, knowing that he will do it again. I think so often God's faithfulness in the past gives us reason to keep going. 

It gives us reason to trust him now and to continue to believe in him, even when it doesn't seem like he's near. So, going into college, there are some practical steps that I will be taking to try to figure all this out, like finding new doctors and accommodations and all of that, but ultimately just trusting the Lord's character and trusting that he's been faithful in the past, and he will be faithful again. 

And that's why when I look into the future, I do have anxieties. I do have a little worries, but I'm not really that worried about it because I know who my God is, and I know what he's done and I know he'll do it again. 

Jo Wilbur:  

Well, and I love that contrast too, of it's not that we don't have any worries, but we know who we can give those worries to. 

We know who ultimately holds them, which is very encouraging. Lastly, I do want to ask you, on the note of encouragement, what encouragement would you give to a fellow believer who might be listening to this podcast who also may be walking through something difficult or suffering in silence, uh, maybe experiencing deep physical pain… as someone who, who really knows where they're coming from, what would you say to them?  

Ava Gidwani:  

The first thing I want to say is it's so easy to hear all of this and hear about how the Lord's been kind and how the Lord's been faithful. And for me to sit here and testify of the Lord's faithfulness, but I don't want to skip over the darkness and how just life has felt utterly dark and at times just crashing down and crushing. And I felt just sad and angry and just mad and confused and like I'm drowning in sorrow. So that is very real to the person listening. That is very, very real. But also the Lord is kind, and that is also very real. Those two can coexist joy and grief can coexist. 

They do coexist, and as a Christian, we have hope and that hope doesn't make our suffering easier, but it makes it bearable. And that's what I've learned because I've been just struggling with, “Okay, if I know this truth, why don't I have joy all the time?” or, “Wow, this is really hard. Like I'm in the middle of my grief. Why is there grief and joy?” or “Why shouldn't I just be fully full with joy?” And like knowing everything's going to be okay, so, “Yay! I shouldn't be sad.” Those two coexist. They exist together. So, right now the reality of my life is I'm still in the middle of my suffering. I'm still in the middle of the darkness. 

That life still feels really, really dark, and I feel the suffering, but the suffering reminds me of the God I serve. And I say that, and I also just think back to times when it's so often for me to be like, “God, where are you?” Because almost every day I ask God where he is and I question, um, and doubt him. But ultimately, I know the truth. 

And so, your feelings don't dictate the truth. Yes, feel those feelings, but don't dwell in them. Don't stay in them. The Lord wants our feelings. He feels with us. But ultimately, the truth is going to keep you going. And so, to the person who may be suffering even silently, I think for a lot of this year, my good friends knew what was going on, but not everyone knew what was going on because on the outside I looked fine, but on the inside, my body is decaying and it's weak and it's breaking. 

And there's just this beautiful picture in Genesis 16 of Hagar, and she was abused by Abraham. She was assaulted. She was just mistreated and she ran away, she ran away. And, we see God meets her in the desert, in the middle of the wilderness, in the middle of her suffering, when she is just at the deepest part of grief, probably at the lowest of her life, carrying a child that she didn't want. 

And God comes to her and he says, “I've seen you.” We see God seeing, or we see God seeing Hagar, and Hagar, then rejoices and says, “I've seen the one who sees me.” And so, to the person suffering right now, God sees you. If no one else sees you, God sees you. And that was comfort for me. That is comfort for me because when no one around me understands the deep pain I'm going through the deep physical pain, but then also the deep mental pain and emotional pain,  it's so comforting to go back and remember that God sees you and God knows, and he knows the deepest part of your feelings because he's been there and he hung up on that cross for us, and he felt more pain than I could imagine. Even the pain I feel now he felt more than that and he felt the emotional pain of it all. 

And even on the cross, we see, uh, Jesus saying, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” Jesus knew. He knew God hadn't left him. He knew what was going to happen next. And yet life still felt like God had forsaken him. And so, Jesus is right there with you. He feels your pain. He sees the deepest part of your pain. Cling. Cling to him because he hasn't left you even when it feels like he's left you. Press into the truth because his Word never leaves void. And trust his character because God is who he says he is. 

Jo Wilbur:  

Hmm, you are preaching a good word today. Thank you so much for that. And thank you for joining us today. There is no doubt in my mind that your words of wisdom and encouragement and perseverance are going to bless everybody who listens to this. So, we can't thank you enough. 

Ava Gidwani:  

Thank you. 

Outro:  

Thanks for joining us for this episode of mind and heart, a podcast by Trinity Christian school. If you enjoyed this conversation, leave us a five-star review and share this episode with a friend. It helps us so much. For more information, visit us@tcsfairfax.org. 

Thanks for joining us for this episode of “Mind and Heart,” a podcast by Trinity Christian School. For more information, visit us at TCSfairfax.org. 

 

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