Ep 17 | Student Mental Health: What Parents Need to Know with Nancy Linton and Ellen Hilliard

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TW: Depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation 

We sit down with Trinity's Director of Counseling, Nancy Linton, and Trinity Upper School Counselor Ellen Hilliard to discuss the social and emotional challenges students are facing today, common stereotypes and misinformation regarding mental health, and what parents need to know. As Christians and licensed, professional counselors with years of experience working with students, they offer expert wisdom on this pressing issue from both a psychological and spiritual perspective. 

It's so vital not to suffer alone...I was always so thankful when [students] came to me because it brought what they were feeling alone in the darkness into the light...It's not easy, this work, but it's a privilege to be a part of it.

Nancy Linton

     

Nancy Linton

Nancy Linton is a Licensed Professional and Licensed School Counselor. Prior to becoming Director of Counseling at Trinity Christian School, she worked in a variety of private practice and church settings. After years of being active in PTAs, doing advocacy in the public school system and running for the School Board, she felt called to transition into working with students.  

She enjoys collaborating with the faculty, staff and parents to support students and help them to see that their worth comes from their faith in Christ rather than from their performance. In her free time, she is still active in local and state politics and in waterskiing with her family. 

Ellen Hilliard

Ellen Hilliard holds a Bachelor’s degree from the University of Mary Washington and Master’s in Counseling from Wake Forest University. She has worked as a professional counselor in both school and private practice settings, and she currently serves as a part-time Upper School Counselor for Trinity. In her free time, Ellen enjoys reading, watching college basketball (March Madness is her favorite time of year!), and spending time with family and friends. 

Jo Wilbur

Jo Wilbur is a Marketing and Communications Specialist at Trinity Christian School and proud JMU grad who loves writing, shopping, and making new friends. She and her husband live in Paeonian Springs and spend time together cooking plant-based meals, singing worship songs, and volunteering as Young Life leaders in their community.


 

If you're feeling hopeless or overwhelmed by the struggles that you're seeing your child go through...just a reminder that God loves your child more than you do...He knows them fully and loves them fully...

Ellen Hilliard 

Transcript

 

Disclaimer: This is a direct transcript of the podcast audio and may not be grammatically correct.

 


Jo Wilbur: 

Welcome to “Mind and Heart,” a podcast by Trinity Christian School in Fairfax, Virginia. In this space, we explore our calling to raise up the next generation to be salt and light in the world.  

Hello, and welcome to “Mind and Heart,” a podcast by Trinity Christian School. I'm your host, Jo Wilbur:, and today I'm sitting down with Trinity's Director of Counseling, Nancy Linton, and Trinity Upper School Counselor Ellen Hilliard. In today's episode, we will get to hear from two licensed professional counselors about the social and emotional challenges students are facing, common stereotypes and misinformation regarding mental health, and what parents need to know. Nancy, Ellen, thank you for joining us today.  

Nancy Linton:  

It's great to be here.  

Ellen Hilliard: 

Thanks, Jo.  

Jo Wilbur:  

All right. So, before we get into some of these questions, I would love to hear a little bit about each of your backgrounds and what made you want to go into counseling and what makes you passionate about it.  

Ellen Hilliard:  

So, for me, I'm new to Trinity this year… 

Jo Wilbur:  

And we're so happy to have you.  

Ellen Hilliard:  

Thank you. I've worked as a school counselor before in a public school and also as a therapist in a private practice setting. And I love working, especially with middle and high school students. Those years were hard for me when I was a middle and high school student, and so being able to be an adult in their life… a trusted adult and be a counselor in their life has been such a privilege.  

Nancy Linton:  

And for me, this is my fifth year here at Trinity, and I was also in private practice for many years. And during that time, I was involved in my children's schools, and I remember distinctly going into the first-grade class and helping with reading. And when I would come week after week, a child would be sharing her family's struggles, and that made me think, “I really would love to help younger children, help them learn healthy coping skills at a younger age so that they can hopefully avoid problems later in life.” So, I ultimately made the transition into school counseling.  

Jo Wilbur:  

Awesome. So, we're going to talk a lot about mental health today. So, I just want to start there with the very basics: mental health. I think that's a term we hear a lot these days, but maybe not all of us know exactly what that refers to. So, I would love to ask you, when we talk about mental health, what are the types of issues that we're talking about, and what are the things we're seeing students and school-age kids struggling with right now?  

Ellen Hilliard:  

Yeah, so starting just with a definition… so, the CDC says that mental health consists of our emotional, psychological, and social well-being. So, it's really a lot of different things going on. It affects how we think, how we feel, how we act, and then how we handle stress, relate to others, and also how we make or if we make healthy choices. So, that's kind of the definition. And then in real time, in real life, how that plays out, Nancy and I kind of get a front row seat to that.  

Nancy Linton:  

Yes, definitely. You know, the NIH says that one in three teenagers will experience an anxiety disorder sometime between the ages of 13 and 18.  

Jo Wilbur: 

Wow. That’s a lot. 

Nancy Linton: 

Yes, it is a lot. They're dealing with academic pressures, performance pressures, balancing sports and academics, social media, trying to get everything done, so not getting enough sleep. And then there's also family and conflicts with friends… you know, part of being human. We live with other humans. We have differences of opinion and that can be really stressful and then also spiritual struggles.  

Jo Wilbur:  

Right. I would love to know if coming out of this sort of COVID era, I wonder, have we seen an uptick in some of those social and emotional issues with kids?  

Nancy Linton:  

Yeah, I think in the community at large that there's definitely been an increase. The isolation contributed to them being online a lot more. Overall, in the community in general, there's been an increase in suicidal ideation. I think in our community here at Trinity, fortunately, because we were in school, there was less of the isolation. But I think the whole, all of us, it was sort of a surreal period that we're all still sort of coming out of.  

Ellen Hilliard:   

And really with the world at large being so unstable, I think, and kids need stability. And so, I think the prevalence and instability that COVID created, just the what-ifs or what's-next, contributed to an uptick in anxiety.  

Nancy Linton:  

Yeah, I think so too. And fear for loved ones. “Will I accidentally give my grandmother COVID?” You know, those kinds of things that students and adults were all experiencing.  

Jo Wilbur:  

Right. I think maybe some students grappling with their own mortality for the first time, realizing this could be really bad. So, what are some more things? I know you just mentioned several, Nancy, including social media and pressures. What are some other things that could be causing, you know, these anxiety issues or depression with kids right now?  

Nancy Linton:   

I think that it's important…you know, all of the things that we mentioned, there are life stressors. All of us deal with those. At different times. But for some students and adults, they may have a biological predisposition to depression or anxiety. So those things are even more poignant in their life and more difficult to deal with. One in four adolescents will have a mental health condition. And again, we may talk about more of it, about the stigmas attached to it. You know, we see a lot of students walking around with braces on their legs or their arms. And those are being treated. But the depression or anxiety might go undiagnosed and that can be a real problem.  

Ellen Hilliard:   

And also with this kind of adolescent age, there's a psychologist, Erick Erickson, that talks about the stages of development and for adolescence, they're really seeking to answer the question of “who am I?” And that idea of identity versus confusion about who they are. And so that can bring out a lot of just big questions when you're trying to figure out where does my worth come from? Who am I looking to to get those answers? People around me, God, parents, you know, just there's a lot swirling around in teenagers' hearts and minds, and so I think that can also trigger a lot of kind of anxiety or just hard things that they go through.  

Jo Wilbur:   

Yeah, absolutely. And I think especially in this culture, at this particular time when we are living right now, there are so many messages and quite frankly, lies about where kids should be deriving their identity. And I think that faith would play a big role in that, right? Having that anchor in Christ being our identity. So that's actually a perfect segue, because I would love to ask more about sort of that intersection between mental health struggles and spiritual struggles. Are they related? Is there overlap? Are they the same thing or are they two distinct things? Personally, I'm not sure how to think about that, and I think in a Christian community, there isn't necessarily a lot of clarity surrounding them.  

Nancy Linton:  

Yeah, you know, if we think about how God created us as whole people with mind, body, and spirit and those things don't work separately. They work together. Like, for example, if you're anxious about being on a podcast, you may have bodily symptoms, you know, butterflies in the stomach, you know, sweaty palms. So, for example, if our family is going through a really rough time, if you have a loss that can affect your spiritual life, you know, wondering where is God in the midst of these things?  

Jo Wilbur:  

So what I'm hearing is they're not necessarily the same thing, but they're intimately interwoven, right? You can't really separate one from the other in a complete sense that one affects the other.  

Nancy Linton:  

Exactly.  

Jo Wilbur:  

I think sometimes within a Christian community, there can be stigma surrounding that. Or maybe there's a tendency to think that because we're Christians, we shouldn't have mental health struggles. I don't know if maybe that's just something I've experienced or if either of you could speak to that at all.  

Ellen Hilliard:   

Yeah, I totally think that's a real issue in Christian settings and churches. I think there's a lot of work to be done in creating a safe space for people to process authentically. And I feel like, especially where you're being nurtured spiritually, maybe kids don't feel that permission to then struggle spiritually or struggle with their mental health if, “Oh, we're taking care of their spiritual lives, so they should be okay.” I remember reading the Psalms when I was a teenager and thinking, “Whoa, like, is David allowed to say that to God? Like, that seems really honest.” And so almost trying to encourage, especially students here that just like David cries out and is honest and asking “Why?” or Jesus on the cross, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” And being able to really be real with God and then in turn be real with each other, I think is really powerful.  

Jo Wilbur:  

Right. Well, I've even… I don't remember where I read this. This is probably a book or something, but just the importance of lamenting, like lamenting is something that I think in our culture we feel like we don't have permission to do. And I think especially in our Christian culture, because at least for me growing up, I was always taught which part of this is true, but I was always taught “Don't damage your witness.” And so I took that message and internalized it to mean I have to always be happy. I have to always be on. I can never let my anxiety or my sadness about something come through because then I'm… I'm damaging my witness. I'm turning people away from God. I'm making God look bad, basically. But you're right, that's not really what we read in Scripture, right? We see David struggling and even Jesus on the cross. It's a great example. Even Jesus wept, right?  

Nancy Linton:  

Well, I was going to say, it does say in the Old Testament, there's a season for joy, a season for mourning. It talks about the different seasons and what Ellen was saying about not feeling like we have permission to be authentic. I was going through a period in my late twenties where I was really struggling as to whether God was good. There was something I longed for really deeply that was a good thing that he was withholding. So, I went through about a three-year period of kind of being angry at God, and I didn't abandon God. I still went to church, I still read Scripture. I was seeking him out and journaling. But I shared my feelings at a small group Bible study, and it still pains me to say that I just received a roomful of blank stares, and that really said, “Oh, okay, stuff it in, don't share it.” And that's why Ellen and I are really dedicated to giving kids permission, sharing those things in the Psalms about David and Job, you know, other people crying out to the Lord, you know, Jesus himself, like you said, we're really committed to it, like she said it, creating a safe space where they can come and be real and it's okay to have whatever feelings. God's big enough to handle it.  

Jo Wilbur:  

Right. Absolutely. And even the scriptures say “mourn with those who mourn,” you know, they don't say “blankly stare at those mourn” or even “cheer up those to mourn.” I think that's another temptation Christians have that I've certainly had is, “Oh someone’s struggling. I just need to cheer them up, turn their day around,” which, you know, maybe that comes from a good place. But still, sometimes it's okay to sit with someone in their sadness or in their struggle, which I'm sure so much of what you guys do, creating that safe space for students to feel how they're going to feel and not try to immediately change how they feel, but really get to the root of it and allow them to express that. So, you know, having talked about that sort of stigma surrounding that, what are some maybe practical ways that students who are struggling with these issues can overcome that stigma or even that parents can help their children who are struggling with that, too, to overcome that stigma enough to seek help, maybe.  

Ellen Hilliard:  

I think it can really just help to start having conversations and asking good questions, whether that's a parent to a child or encouraging your child with their friends to be more honest, I think especially in a high-performing atmosphere and a high-achieving atmosphere or city that we're in at large, there's a lot of pressure to appear like you have it all together. And so even maybe as a parent modeling that of, “Hey, I'm struggling,” you know, “I am feeling overwhelmed by work” or “overwhelmed by all the plans we have as a family.” So, you're modeling to your child that it's okay and you have permission to not have it all together. And then what do you do with that? How do you turn to God in that moment?  

Jo Wilbur:  

Right, right. Sort of modeling prayer, even in those weak moments of, “Hey, I'm struggling, let's all pray together.” So as professional counselors who have obviously worked with many school-age children, what is the number one thing or maybe top three things that parents should be aware of regarding their children's mental health?  

Nancy Linton:  

I think one thing that's really important and Ellen alluded to it a little bit before, was in our high-achieving area, it's not only the struggling learners that can necessarily have a hard time with anxiety or stress or depression. It can be a really high-performing student who's in leadership and meeting all the benchmarks and seems like a superstar. But sometimes they can have things going on. They can struggle with perfectionism, struggle with putting so much pressure on themselves. So, we need to realize that it's not necessarily the kids that appear to be struggling that may have things going on. Right.  

Ellen Hilliard:  

I think also a lot of life now is lived online way more than when I was growing up. And so, I think kids are faced with the constant kind of bombardment of voices and images that are telling them how they should live or how they should appear to be living. And so, there's a lot of pressure and comparison and kind of questions about worth that kids are dealing with constantly. This is not just a 9 to 5 Monday through Friday issue. This is pretty much 24 seven when it comes to social media. So, I think for parents to be aware of that, and just be cognizant of what are the platforms my child is engaging with? How can I have conversations with them about how to be a good steward of their social media platforms if they have them? And, even though it can feel overwhelming to maybe try to dive into those conversations with them, it's better to try to walk alongside them with this as opposed to just throwing up our hands and stepping away.  

Jo Wilbur: 

Yeah, I think that's a huge one because, you're right, it's not just something that happens when they're at school or when they're outside of the home, but from the safety and protection of inside the home, they're still having these conversations with their friends via text. They're seeing comments come in on social media that are maybe bullying or negative. They're being influenced by people on Tik Tok and YouTube who, who knows what message they're getting. I know for me in high school there are a lot of text messages that I regret sending that my parents had no idea about. Those kinds of things that are going on that parents, through no fault of their own, just aren't aware of. How would they be? So, I think that's huge, having those conversations and making clear that there is an open dialog about that. It's okay to have that conversation. Nancy, I love what you were saying about even the high-performing students, high achieving who look like they have it all together. Sometimes they're the ones struggling the most. So, for parents who have kids like that, what are some warning signs they can look for that maybe their child is struggling or is going through something that they should be aware of?  

Nancy Linton:  

Yeah, well, often there might be some tendency to be withdrawing from family or friends, and it's normal for teenagers to spend a lot of time in their room. I've had parents ask me “What is normal?” and that kind of thing. And you know, sometimes you do have to encourage them to come out of the room, make sure they have family meals, that kind of thing. But yes, some types of withdrawal, students may be sleeping excessively or seeming to have trouble with sleep. And you had mentioned, we were discussing before, Ellen, that a lot of parents struggle with “What are the boundaries?” around the student having their phone in their room, having their computer during the time that they should be sleeping. So that's a whole other discussion, but that's something to consider. If you see any changes in appetite, you know, eating excessively or having trouble eating, that's a thing to watch for. And then also struggles with concentration. Anxiety and depression can definitely have a really strong impact on the ability to concentrate.  

Jo Wilbur:  

So, if I am a parent who… maybe I do recognize some of those warning signs in my child, what would be next steps? You know, what would be the first steps to going about helping or even broaching the topic?  

Ellen Hilliard: 

I think it just begins relationally with your child. And so really trying to spend time with them, being curious about their life, their interests, their friends. Sometimes our worlds can get so task-oriented and just trying to get people from A to B and… 

Jo Wilbur:  

Especially as a mom, right? 

Ellen Hilliard:  

Right. To figure out carpool…. And so, trying to carve time with your kids, just getting to know them. And so, if you are seeing the warning signs and you're feeling like maybe through those conversations that they need more help, definitely trying to take those steps towards professional help or maybe steering them towards other trusted adults that are in their life. Just an encouragement for parents: it is totally fine if it's not you that your kid is going to open up to. It's very normal developmentally that kids are trying to explore their independence, and sometimes that means pushing mom and dad away a little bit, and that's okay. And so, as a parent, how can you encourage or facilitate other people in their life, like a youth group leader, a Young Life leader, a counselor, a coach, a teacher, a school counselor, people that can come alongside. And just for you as a parent to know you're not alone. It's okay if your kid's not sharing it with you. But do they have somebody that they're sharing it with?  

Nancy Linton:  

Yeah. And we're definitely here as a resource to help parents sort through the things that they're seeing with their student, whether that's normal to be in the room a lot or whether there might be something going on. And it's a process of assessing what's happening with the child. But we're definitely here as a resource to help them, to point them in the direction of other resources in the community if needed.  

Jo Wilbur:  

Well, as we’ve spoken about, these issues are common and perhaps increasingly so, and so I'm sure we have people listening to this podcast, parents who have children going through this, or the students themselves who are going through this right now, who are listening to this. And if so, what words of encouragement or advice would you give to them?  

Nancy Linton:  

I would say it's so, so vital not to suffer alone. I've been counseling students and adults for many, many years. And over the years have had people come to me that were feeling suicidal. And I was always so thankful that they came to me about it because it brought what they were feeling alone in the darkness, into the light. And I was able to connect them with help and resources. And I've thankfully always been able to help someone… seeing students that were feeling desperate and feeling that way, then get help over time and then return to a state of joy and peace and thriving and moving on with your future. So, it's a privilege to be a part. It's not easy this work, but it's a privilege to be a part of it.  

Jo Wilbur:  

And that's so encouraging to hear that people have gone through those dark, dark places and have come out the other side in the light with joy. And that's very encouraging to hear and to see.  

Nancy Linton:  

I think there's this false expectation that as independent, smart, high-achieving people that we have to deal with these problems alone. And that's a false expectation. You know, when we're trying to develop in our career, we seek out mentors, we seek out additional education. When we're trying to grow in sports, we seek out coaches. So, we're all part of the body of Christ. And we're here to use each other's strengths and gifts and walk through life together.  

Jo Wilbur:  

Right, we're relational by nature. We all need each other. Nobody is getting through this alone.  

Nancy Linton:  

Definitely.  

Ellen Hilliard: 

And I feel like an encouragement just for parents, maybe if you're feeling hopeless or overwhelmed by the struggles that you're seeing your child go through… just a reminder that God loves your child more than you do. You know, sometimes we can feel alone as parents that we are the number one advocate or person to help them get through this life kind of thing. And just knowing that you're not alone because God knows them fully, loves them fully, and also God has placed so many people in their lives. I think Trinity's a beautiful picture of that, of how many people are in each individual student's lives to support, to love, and to point them to Christ.  

Jo Wilbur:  

Mm. Really great, really encouraging advice. I don't even have kids, but I'm very encouraged by that. Just as a human being, who of course I have my own struggles too. But yeah, that's great advice. And I can't thank you both enough for being here today and talking about these really, really important issues where we're so thankful for your wisdom.  

Ellen Hilliard:  

Thank you, Jo.  

Nancy Linton:  

Happy to do it. 

Jo Wilbur:  

Thanks for joining us for this episode of “Mind and Heart,” a podcast by Trinity Christian School. If you enjoyed this conversation, leave us a five-star review, and share this episode with a friend. It helps us so much. For more information, visit us at tcsfairfax.org. 

 

 

 

 

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